Good grief exhaustion

May 16, 2014  |  ibrainmapadmin

I had lunch with a young friend this week. We both complained about feeling tired. He said it was hard to get motivated. I agreed. My young friend lost is his mother recently. She was also a good friend of mine.
It’s only this morning in my writing that I remember that grief always exhausts me.
Every time I’ve lost someone to death I’ve gone to my GP to have some tests because I am so sure there is something dangerously wrong with me because I’m so, so tired. It’s only later that I’ve made the connection that it’s my grief exhausting me and usually only after I’ve started to emerge from the dragging grip of its weariness.
You need complete rest, my dream role
Sitting across from the Doc on those occasions, she says, “results are negative. There’s nothing wrong with you.” I’m confused. My exhaustion is so exhausting I know something must be wrong.
In those moments I wanted to be in one of those black and white movies where the doctor holds the woman’s (that would be me) hand, smiling kindly into her eyes, and saying, “you need complete rest my dear.” And I, lying in my bed in a beautiful silk wrap and my hair brushed and shining, my lips glistening, put a hand to my forehead and momentarily protest because I have so many responsibilities. But someone else takes my hand. A look passes between the doctor and the other one, perhaps a husband or loving sister and he or she says, “we’ll arrange a trip to the seaside doctor.”
Then I smile weakly up at these loving people who care so much for me and want me to rest. (Yes I know it’s all about me). In the next scene I’m dressed in a beautiful frock with a parasol and walking along the beach and the sun is shining….. and then it cuts to a scene where I’m lying (in a very stylish swimsuit) on the chaise lounge, surrounded by beautiful people, by the pool and the waiter is pouring me a drink…… oh yes please ….
Now where was I?
Oh yes, no one ever said anything about being exhausted when someone dies.
These are my questions.
Do any doctors or therapists ever tell people to rest any more? In my world at least there is no one suggesting rest. There is only the message that I need to soldier on, chin up and all that. As if my heart is made of iron and I just need to get on with it. Not that anyone says it out loud. But that’s the voice inside my head and I suspect I’m not alone?
Loss is many-faced with sly fingers
But it’s not just bereavement that can impact the body-mind and spirit. The same grief exhaustion can settle like a dark cloud after any major change or loss, such as a separation, big move, or even a career change. Perhaps even good changes, or wished for changes, especially if they are sudden can result in the same kind of exhaustion, a weariness that makes you feel like lead inside and out.
The slow burn
Sometimes it is one event, such as the loss of a loved one, or separation that triggers this response in the system. But just as often it’s like the slow burn of chronic stress or burnout that causes the exhaustion. Like a dripping tap that erodes the edges of our happiness and wellbeing until one day we look up and have forgotten who we are, or what our life stands for. We realize that there is nothing behind the smile and no legs under our dreams and the voice crying out through the night is ours. And yes the exhaustion.
Deep rest
When your heart or soul is burnt from too much of this, or too little of that, then it’s time to rest. Not the kind of rest I described in the scene above, this is no glamour movie. The kind of rest I’m talking about is sinking into yourself, remembering who you are and what gives your life meaning and a sense of purpose.
Oh how easily we leap to that golden point on the horizon, that “if only” place, then we could be happy. But that wished for place where everything is perfect may be part of the problem, part of the weariness.
The only way there is through now, with what you have, where you are now. And this is a slow journey that takes most of us a lifetime. Yes I know you’re tired and you just want to get there fast. But that is what’s exhausting you my friend.
Here is my invitation
Rest into this moment now. When you stop reading look up. Look at the sky and watch that cloud passing and see if you can find an elephant, a princess or perhaps a Buddha fairy up there, floating around.
Listen for the magpie that sometimes sings you awake in the morning. Listen beyond the traffic or the radio or the screaming kids, oh that’s you screaming. Well listen beyond that.
Feel the air and the fabric against your skin.
Just for a moment, come home to your senses, rest in your immediate body experience. Just this. This moment.
This is the only place to rest.
Taste, touch, smell, look, listen with wonder, through a child’s eyes. Let yourself be surprised again. This moment is better than any movie because it is real and it is all around you right now. We just forget to watch it and feel it and know it. And breathe out with a sigh.
Do this 3 times a day for the next week and see what happens. I will too.